You are still magical, even if you feel broken

I have a bone to pick with the new age community. It's the blame, shame, and judgment that they often place on victims and chronically ill people. Do I believe in miracles? Absolutely. I have experienced first-hand legit miracles. Do I think you are somehow wrong if you don't receive a miracle? No. Do I believe we create our realities? I believe we CO-create our realities, meaning we have great influence but there is more at hand than just our ego-conscious self. Do I believe anything is possible? Yes, but just because it is possible doesn't mean it will for sure happen. I believe everything, including the opposite of whatever I believe can happen, can happen. Let me break this down for you, but first I need you to step out of your black and white thinking and open to the paradox of life.

Let's start with miracles. I have legit seen, experienced, and have been a conduit for miracles. One of many examples was my mom fell, had a brain bleed, and after the doc took half a cup of blood off her brain, they put her in a drug-induced coma. The doctors told us they weren't sure what would happen, if she would make it, or if she did wake up, how long before she could talk or use her arms again. So I went to work. I pulled out every crystal we had, called in every energy worker I knew, held prayer circles, and did energy work on her all night. It was not the first nor the last sleepless night I had in a hospital. The next day, my mom opened her eyes and was confused as to why she was incubated and tied down. Within in 48 hours, she had her motor skills completely back to where they were. Every doctor involved told her she was a miracle. It's a beautiful story, but the other part of it is my mother is still partially blind, has to use a wheel chair, and is on dialysis. The fall and the healing were only one part of her journey. So, why one miraculous healing and not the rest? I don't know. The real truth is that none of us do. Every healer I know who has experienced true miracles also knows it doesn't always work. We don't know why. It's co-creation. Our place is to create an opportunity for healing, it may work like the five people who I have cured of migraines. It might not, like me, who still suffers from migraines. If it was a science, it wouldn't be a miracle.

So if you don't get the miracle you want then you are still magical. Do not let anyone tell you that you are too wounded, don't have enough faith, are being punished, haven't learned your lesson, or have too many toxins and that is why you are not miraculously healing. Humans like control, which is why many grab on to the create-your-own-reality idea as they get to control their reality. They also want to be safe, which is why if someone is experiencing trauma, ill health, or some other bad experience, they want to be able to label it as something they can control and they will not suffer the same fate. It's kind of like how people often think all homeless people got there because they are crazy, lazy, or on drugs, so that way they will never be homeless. To quote a favorite healer of mine: “God has a million ways to kill you.” Safety is an illusion. So please, stop judging others’ dark times as somehow manifested from their wounds, or diet, or being too close to a cell phone or whatever. Yes, we have to look at our side of the street and do what we can to heal the past and wounds so that we can experience life better. If you do those things, it doesn't mean your life will be pain free.

I totally believe you can work on your traumas and issues and better your life. I think doing these things can have miraculous physical or emotional healing. I think that when you work on these things, it shifts your perspective and makes you react differently in the world, which changes your reality. I believe you can manifest good and bad things into your life by words, thoughts, and actions. I also have seen people still deep in working on their wounding have really great things happen. Life is not a reward and punishment system. This is a Christian/Judea perspective and if you really want to understand karma, stop saying it is a bitch. It's not. Karma is the idea that what you put out in the world grows and can come back to you. It is the idea that your actions build your path, but it has no judgment about that path. If someone makes chocolate but you don't like chocolate, are they bad and wrong? I want a caramel path and this is chocolate! It's just preference. Our preference isn't the only correct way of being.

So please stop judging yourself and others as wrong or still too wounded or toxic because it is not your preference. Stop thinking that there is one path to pain and one path to joy because honestly, they are both a part of the Human experience we came here for, and acceptance is how you keep moving forward. Make the boundaries that make you feel most joyful and fulfilled and keep trudging forward.

What if your healing was just to connect deeper to Divine love?

I was having a “why me?” moment the other night. Just revisiting my year so far, the grief, the loss, and the pain. I know there have been plenty of joys, too, but I was in a mood.

Then I heard, within, “What if your healing was just to connect deeper to Divine love?”

I wanted argue. My healing was about financial stability, achieving success, being healthy, thin, and strong. My healing was so I could experience joy and peace. Right?! Don't I create my reality? This is what I want. Like I said, I was in a mood.

“Is that what your ego wants or what your Divine self wants?”

Crap! I knew that was what my ego wanted. It wants to be successful, have money, be thin, strong......and all of the perfection it can imagine.

Now, let me say, the ego is NOT a negative aspect of ourselves or something that should be ignored. Well, you actually can't because the ego is our conscious mind. That's all it is. The self that experiences the singular self, alone, and disconnected. It's needed to help us function in this reality. Money, success, health, appearance, joy, fame, and anything else that the ego desires is not inherently bad. It is great to be grounded, create stability in your life, and have goals for growth. All these help support your experience here on earth. The issue arises when you think that's the goal.

Let's say you go to an amusement park. You ride several rides, eat yummy junk food, take pictures, and maybe see a show. If you thought the goal was to get food, you would have missed out on the rides. If you spent so much time hyper-focused on getting the perfect picture, you would miss the moments you were experiencing there. The outcome of the amusement park was tasting food, riding rides, experiencing joy, but none of those were the goal. The goal was to go experience the amusement park. One simple thing. Show up and immerse yourself in the experience of the amusement park. Now, you might have got kind of sick from the food or didn't like one of the rides or missed the show. Did you fail at experiencing the amusement park? Was it a waste of time? Well, if you thought the goal was just to see that show or ride that ride, then maybe it would feel that way. If your goal was to experience the park no matter what, then it wouldn't feel that way.

So, in this amusement park called life, where is your focus? When you look at your healing and growth, how do you measure it? Is it how well you have achieved a level of perfection in your mind of who you are? Is it the way your life, your body, or your house looks? Again, I ask, what if your healing was just to connect deeper to the Divine? Ego doesn't like that answer often. It feels like a useless focus. It sounds like you are going to go meditate on the mountain and detach from life. What this is really saying is detach from your expectation of the outcome and focus on the experience. Then when you are present in the experience, notice all the ways that the Divine is sending you a love note. It isn't grief and loss that brings the Divine closer, it's that those experiences bring us to surrender and make us present in the moment so we can experience what is already there. What we experience as struggle, pain, and life not working out the way we want is in fact us running from the present moment. It is us running from pain, from truth, and from love. When you accept a moment exactly as it is and allow yourself to be immersed in it, you see all the truth. It doesn't mean it will be pleasant. When I watched my mother have a heart attack or have a seizure, when I heard my cousin was murdered, and when I experienced some of the most excruciating physical pain ever, it was not pleasant, but I was present for each of those moments. When something intense and soul-shaking happens in your life, you can't help but be present. Your brain just stops. That state of shock opens you to everything that is happening without a judgment, just for a moment, and allows you to just be. On the flip side, so does great joy. The first time I held each of my children, presenting at a Faery Congress for the first time, going to concerts, making love, and being in the ocean in Hawaii, I felt these time-bending moments also. My life has been filled with times I stepped out of my head and felt connected to the Divine in love. Some would say I just experienced my Divine self as I am. Others would say I was experiencing the grace of the Holy Spirit. Or maybe I am embodying the Goddess. It does not matter what you want to label it, it is being aligned with Divine light within. It is detaching from what you expected and just being in that moment. Of course nobody is perfect and this will be a dance for us all. Reaching for an expectation and then releasing it. I leave with a poem. Hafiz was a Sufi poet in the 14th century. He speaks of the Divine love beautifully in most of his poems.

I Know The Way You Get

I know the way you can get

When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,

Your sweet muscles cramp.

Children become concerned

About a strange look that appears in your eyes

Which even begins to worry your own mirror

And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness

And call an important conference in a tall tree.

They decide which secret code to chant

To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness

That arrays itself against the world

And throws sharp stones and spears into

The innocent

And into one's self.

O I know the way you can get

If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart

Every sentence your friends and teachers say,

Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale

Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure

From every angle in your darkness

The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once

Trusted.

I know the way you can get

If you have not had a drink from Love's

Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of

The vital need

To keep remembering God,

So you will come to know and see Him

As being so Playful

And Wanting,

Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:

Bring your cup near me.

For all I care about

Is quenching your thirst for freedom

All a Sane man can ever care about

Is giving Love! 

- Hafiz

Miracles

I have had people ask why I don't have testimonies on my site or talk about what has happened for others through my healing work. The truth, is I want every experience to be your experience. It doesn't matter what happens for another, only what happens for you. I have experienced miracles in healing sessions. I have had clients, friends, and family that have healed broken bones, headaches, migraines, insomnia, heart problems, allergies, rashes, and many emotional crisis. I also have had clients, friends, and family work on those issues and still struggle with them. I get to be a witness to the healing and help direct it some, but it is that person and God making it happen. Not me.

The biggest miracle I have witnessed was when my mother fell. She had a brain bleed. We rushed her to the hospital and while there, she had a grand mal seizure. She was air lifted to a hospital in Seattle. They did emergency brain surgery and took a half a cup of blood off her brain. After the surgery, they had her in a drug-induced coma because she was having constant nonclinical seizures. My dad had stayed with her the first night. The second night, I went to relieve him. I brought her big quartz crystal and laid it next to her in the bed. I contacted multiple healing circles I knew and asked for prayers and light sent. I spent the whole night doing Reiki and ThetaHealing. I didn't care if any nurses or doctors saw me and wondered what I was doing. The seizures stopped and they stopped the drug-induced coma. The doctors told us the outlook was grim and they were not sure if she would live. If she did, they weren't sure when she would be able to talk or use her limbs, if ever. They didn't know how much brain damage she had experienced. They didn't want us to be surprised if she was stuck in the hospital for a long time. I kept going. I just went into full healer mode. The next day she woke up, confused about why she was tied down and why there were tubes in her. I started talking to her and explaining what had been happening. She understood. She was totally conscious. Within a day, she had total control of her arms and legs. She had a lot that needed to heal, but within a couple months, she was completely back. Every doctor that had her as a patient has told her she was a miracle.

This is also why I talk about using both western medicine and alternative measures. I don't know that I could have stopped the brain bleed. Anything is possible, but I'm not willing to take that gamble. Also, the body is able to heal itself miraculously. When we hold space for God and witness it and trust, healing can happen.

Finding Myself

There are dark times on every path. These last few years seem to be heavy with the dark moments. I feel like I have lost a bit of myself and my soul over the last few years. My mother had two brain surgeries, one planned and one emergency. Don't get me wrong, we experienced miracles in the last few years. She almost died multiple times. We weren't sure she would be able to even talk again after her fall and brain bleed. A lot of healing was done by many healers, myself, and doctors and nurses. But in all of that, there were a lot of nights sleeping for only a few hours in a chair or on a lumpy cot. Nights of no sleep due to worry or due to keeping mom calm while dealing with hallucinations. Nights of being on call in case she needed help or something happened. Nights away from my husband and children. The medical procedures all had new things for me to learn for care at home. It seemed like there was always a new stress or condition or procedure to prepare for. I recently heard this described as trying to drink from a fire house. I think that describes it well.

Finally mom got sable. She still needs constant care due to poor eyesight and inability to walk, but she is stable. So, in February, I had a hysterectomy to deal with Adenomyosis. I couldn't take the physical pain of that anymore. Going through that recovery process, I realized that I did not have much support. I also realized that I had lost me along the way. Between my own pain and the stress of my mother's health, I had become less me. I liked to have fun and be social, but instead I was isolating and stressed all the time. My kids had lost that mom. My daughter even made comments about how I was grumpy or sad or serious all the time.

I can sit here and blame situations or people, but it was my doing. I stopped fighting for me. I kept giving away bits of myself and not asking for anything in return. I knew I had to shift. I'm still in this shift. I'm slowly reclaiming myself back, but I am allowing myself space to grow into more. This last week, I went to a Conference for my direct sales business. It was powerful and fun. The most important part was I felt like my old self. I was being silly, loud, dancing, singing, and having a good time.

Yes, we all have the dark times that make us want to give up or sell our souls. It's easy to let go of hope and cave in to the darkness. Instead, I invite you to rest. This can be sleep or just letting your soul rest. Don't let anyone define this for you. Whatever brings you joy and eases your soul, embrace it! Then start reprogramming your brain. Question everything if you have to. What are your motives? Why do you react the way you do? What do you really want? Help yourself believe once again in yourself. Find your sparkle!